Killing Dreams – Is this an abuse too?

I wanted to write a post on women violence and incidents I’ve heard off but then I got to know about a colleague yesterday afternoon which got me thinking on these lines – do read below and let me know what you all think too…

I have a young colleague – she’s about 23/24 and she has been working for about 3 years now. An only daughter with 2 brothers she is well educated,pampered and given wings to fly… She has built dreams to be a career woman – sees herself where she wants to be 10 years from now – be her own person and in a top position in an organisation, dreams of giving her parents the best health care available, buy her own home her own car… All dreams that any self confident person would think of. She has slowly and surely built confidence in her abilities with the higher management, has been vocal about wanting to travel for long term onsite assignments and her VISA processing had begun when I first met her about 6 months back.Infact, when I first met her – that was what I really appreciated – here was a girl who knew where she was, where she wanted to go – what she wanted from her life and was working really hard to get there.

Today, she is crying – her dreams and aspirations are all but gone down the drain…Why? Here is the story:

About 5 months back, she announced that she was engaged to be married in July. When we asked her about what happened to her dreams of onsite assignment she said everyone was aware of it and had ‘agreed’ to her pursuing that dream even after marriage. Everyone – her parents, her in-laws and her fiance’. She was sooo happy that her plans were appreciated. Initially she had even refused to get married until her onsite assignment was completed. But then like all parents of girls there was some emotional drama and push for her to consider marriage and her parents promised that they would keep the other party informed about her onsite opportunity. And on their part – they had. The would-be MIL and the fiance’ were all for it. They agreed that he would get married and go back to the US where he worked while she stayed here until the VISA processing got completed, would go onsite (Canada) and they would visit often until she could move permanently to US once her onsite assignment was done – which would be another year at most…

The wedding happened, she got a dependent Visa, and he went back, she continued to be here and commute between here and her in-laws/parents places over the weekends. Her Canadian VISA and work permit came too about a couple of weeks back and then the troubles began.

As it stands today, her MIL did not want her to go onsite on work. She wanted her to join the son immediately and start their ‘married-life’ from now. The fiance turned husband she was so confident about now says do whatever my mom tells you – come and start life with me here – I want you here… Her own parents say – do whatever the MIL and husband say – your married life is more important than your career… Quit and join your husband. Its good for you…

It would’ve probably been easy to join the husband for someone like me – really – because I’m not really so career oriented – I do the best I can at work… but for that girl – her career is her dream, her identity, her passion – so she is having a hard time now…She has tried convincing her husband that it will work out – its a matter of 1 more year.. their bond of marriage is yet to start and its a matter of time before they are together… but it doesn’t seem to be working…

Here are my thoughts:
1. The same dreams and aspirations – if it were the man – would’ve been appreciated and all support given to him – so why should this girl’s dreams be crushed now?
2. If this is what they wanted – why didn’t they make it clear on day 1? She would’ve refused the proposal (she had before for the same reasons) and not gotten into this mess…
3. Who is to be blamed here? I’m a nobody to ask where it all started – but where ever it all started – shouldn’t the husband and her parents who had made promises support her desire to go onsite? She is not doing anything wrong – is she? Why don’t they consider the heartache they are causing this girl by changing  their decision now?
4. Why should that girl’s decision be changed and manipulated now by other’s desires and decisions?
5. Would the husband quit and join her where ever she is? – Why not? Why should she be the one compromising?
6.She has worked hard and fought harder to get this opportunity – now after everything is set and she is due to travel in a couple of weeks, if she backs-off – what happens to her impression and good-will in the office? Will she not loose face big-time?
7. Now what is the girl to do – kill her own dreams of a good career,quit and join the husband? What of her own life then? Someone else said – if she compromises now, she will always have it on her mind for the rest of her life- and I agree – its a shattered dream…

How many men have followed their dreams of travelling and either left their wife and kids here or the whole family has shifted along with the men – to fulfil the man’s dream? The woman quits her job and follows the man to take care of him/his kids and family…

How many men have you seen doing it for their wife? Again and again and again – the woman in the relationship has to “let go” and compromise…

I’m not angry, I’m just very sad. Sad for the situation that girl is today and no matter what she decides she has to go through a lot of heartache…  

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