Thoughts death bring…

Early today morning Hubby’s uncle passed away. He had been suffering for quite sometime now, and all his brothers and sister had visited him. Everyone knew that he was deteriorating and that anything might happen anytime. He had been under aunty’s care for over 10 years now – completely. Even knowing all these, when the news came at 5am early morning – it did come as a shock. I guess no amount of knowing the truth and knowing that this was the only way his suffering could end – basically there is nothing called preparation for a news like this. And now no matter how much we all tell the aunt that this was for the best (Yes, she knows it too) and we tell her that this had to happen sometime – they will all just be words of consolation.

I have seen both my grand parents suffer and being bed ridden for a couple of years and I’ve also seen how much effort the people in the house (in my grand father’s case – my grand mother, in my grand mother’s case -my parents, and in uncle’s case – aunt ) would put to make sure that the person is as comfortable as possible. And I have also witnessed the void the death of this person creates. Suddenly, there isnt someone who has to be taken care of all the time,suddenly you dont know what to do with all the time you have – I’ve seen Dad suddenly thinking that its time for Granny’s medicine or food and realising that she’s no more. I only wish God gives Aunt the mental strength to over come this void, the emptyness. Nearly 40 years of married life and companionship – all suddenly just lost…

This uncle was a doctor -he has served many people and lots of people would be there to pay their last respects to him. Hubby recollects all the times that the cousins just loaded themselves in the car and went out for a ride in teh evening, all the ice creams and chocolates he has bought for them, sunday evenings when the whole family got into the ambassador and uncle driving them all to cubbon park to play… Many memories. Many people have taken care of him through the years too, many lives that he has touched while he lived.

I step in to work and I realise that my friend lost her cousin to accident – another news of death in a span of few hours… And invariably, selfish thoughts come back to myself. How inconsistent life is. Im still so cocooned in my daily meagre life and cycle of everyday living. When my time comes will there be someone who would so willingly take care of me? (Ofcourse Hubby, I know you will) but at what cost – at the cost of putting their own life on hold? Am I worth all that effort and pain? What am I doing to help anyone at all? Im just leading my own selfish life! And would I want to be like that? Can I opt for death in such a case? Do I have the guts for it? How suddenly small and inconsequential my whole life sounds! I cannot even adopt a stray dog!!! What am I doing to anybody else that they would want to do something for me? How many people am I going to touch in my life?

So many questions and no valid answer, rather Im just scared to even think of answers… The more I think of it the more I want to do something good before my time comes – I guess maybe I will atleast have a little bit of last minute satisfaction when my life runs through my eyes in those last moments…

Doddappa – RIP


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